Travel No-No’s

Don’t Do This Shit.

You’re welcome.


Don’t do this:

US Customs agent:*Points to suitcase* Is there alcohol in here?

You: No. *Points to self* But there is in here! *Snickers*

You: *Gets escorted to individual screening.*

I actually pulled this dick move while under police protection (because apparently that’s a thing that happens when you’re on tv). The cop assigned to me legit Kanye shrugged and walked away. I trust him all the more today for that decision.

Its so hard not to act reckless.

Deffffffinitely don’t do this:

You: *Orders a half dozen oysters on the half shell at an airport bar. AN AIRPORT BAR, Y’ALL.*

You: *Brags about it on social media*

You will wake yourself up vomiting in your lap. You will then get to wear said vomit for the remainder of the flight while your (perfectly nice I’m so sorry, dude) seatmate is relocated so he doesn’t have to sit in your shame. You will have brought a change of clothes for landing and will be so self-congratulatory about getting to not wear vomit any longer that you will leave your passport on the plane and miss your connection to Barcelona, costing you lunch in Sitges. You love Sitges.

That didn’t taste like karma going down.

For the love of all things don’t ever do this:

Names have been omitted to protect the who am I kidding we know what you did Tania.

TSA Agent: *Does a ridiculously thorough inspection of your stuffs because you’re not white*

You: It’s not like I have a bomb in there, guys.

You and everyone you work with/know/will ever know in the future: *Bends over*

That is all.

You’re going to feel some pressure…

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